by Robert White

By Bobby “Extremely” White

PROLOGUE

“Fuck You, Tony Horton.”

I rarely cuss outside of airports, so you know I mean it. But whether I can help it or not, this is the phrase I’ll say, in my head at least, every day for 90 days. When I’ve done 80 push-ups in an hour and it’s time to do 10 more with one arm, I’ll say it.  After I have touched the floor in a squat and exploded into the air for the fifteenth time out of thirty in a 30-second-timed exercise, I’ll yell it. And when I’ve finished the final lunge exercise and can’t stand up in the shower, I’ll mention it to the cat.

Who is this Tony Horton? Aside from being a tight, bumpy pile of dyed-hair and tank tops, an ageless 50-year-old who takes being prickishly annoying to such an extreme that it often reaches a rare flavor of charismatic, he’s a professional trainer who’s developed several popular work out series. Most of them are the kind they have infomercials for at 3 in the morning in hotel rooms. His masterpiece, however, is a 12-disk set of sand-kicking sadomasochism called P90X. It is the Moby Dick of workouts.

I first learned about P90X when I noticed that my friend, professional swing dancer Nick Williams, had transformed from your generic out-of-shape American guy into a ripped Clydesdale horse over a period of six months.

P90X is short for Power 90-Day Extreme Workout, and it’s a strict regimen of hour-long work-outs that takes 3 months to complete. Last year, I bought the P90X box, did it for eight weeks, and had to stop due to the fact that the only people who ever saw me were my coworkers and my swing classes, and I could never seem to get the twelve hours of sleep a workout like this needs for recovery. As the months went by, I learned other Lindy instructors were doing P90X, and it became a fad; conversations would spend way too much time on how much we hate diamond push-up technique, and teachers would make P90X jokes in class no one else would get.

Well, having done half of it last year, I can say that it isn’t just this year’s Lindy fad; it is an incredibly difficult work-out program that produces results, even thought it does include over 12 hours of quality time with an L.A. physical trainer. And, for me, it’s become something else.

I often make jokes about being incredibly white and extremely dorky. When I look at my family and friends, and my bookworm life, I’m proud of who I am emotionally and intellectually. But I’ve never been pleased with how I’ve treated my body. The only reason I’ve stayed as thin as I am is because I got lucky with family metabolism; for the first twenty five years of my life, I treated my body the way an elderly woman treats her four-year-old grandson—I fed it full of sugar and told it how handsome it will grow up. I’m now a twenty-eight-year-old with a dull-physique and a bad back, and realized that Grandma forgot to mention that it would take work. I look at myself in the mirror, and I see one of my life’s personal hopes starting to slowly drift away; the hope that, at some point, I would be proud of my body.

I don’t mean to be overdramatic; many people look incredible up into their seventies (76 to be exact), but I am trying to embody more the idea that “there’s no time like the present.” So, along with some other life-changing decisions I’ve been planning for awhile, I’ve decided it’s time to go back and conquer P90X. And I’m going to drag you guys kicking and screaming along with me. Assuming, of course, that you continue reading.

The Extreme Cardboard Box
Here’s what comes in a P90X box: First, a twelve-CD wallet full of twelve different workouts, ranging from weight-lifting to Yoga to extreme jumping. Next, three elastic “fitness bands” that you can take with you when you travel and use to shoot dirty underwear at drunk swing dance instructors. And, finally, an extreme workout guide, which is primarily composed on large black-and-white pictures of dramatically-lit body parts. It also has a few words in it, but not many.  It’s mainly useful for the page with the workout calendar on it, and, honestly, the ripped body parts probably inspire goals more than the words.

Basically, you do a week-long regimen (6 exercises for 6 days, plus a day of rest) for three weeks, then you have a “recovery week” which isn’t actually a recovery week, they just tell you that to make you look forward to it.  It’s actually six more days of exercises, they just add a new one called “Core Synergistics,” which is the DVD equivalent of getting run over by a truck. The second month gives you a couple new exercises to switch it up a bit, and the third month plays around with the order of them all.

Also with all of this is a nutrition guide.

Extreme Nutrition
If 90 days of working out wasn’t enough, there’s also a nutrition plan, the following of which looks like it requires advanced knowledge of bio-chemistry and a good slide rule.

Though I am making a concerted effort to eat healthy foods, I’m going to follow the advice of my Personal Trainer, Marty Klempner, and mainly focus on protein.  (From what I can tell, though, if you follow the work out plan and the diet, it’d be impossible not to see dramatic fat loss.) At five helpings of protein a day, I imagine I’m mainly going to eat a lot of protein bars, powder mixes, and cattle. I’ll review the best and worst of these products throughout the process, as well as keep a running tab on how much money all of this costs me.  At $120, the P90X set is a steal. The true costs, however, come in food, equipment, and time.

P90X takes up a lot of time; After doing the 1-hour plus exercises every day, shopping for all the food and supplies, on top of a day job and teaching dance, I plan on spending my free time sleeping and hopefully running into my girlfriend in the hall from time to time.  Thankfully we have some gigs coming up, so I know we’ll be able to catch up with her during class rotations.

Pre-Training.
From my previous P90X experiences, I know that this is not a workout series for beginners, which is very important for anyone who’s interested in the program. For 90 days of straight physical activity, P90X expects that your body is already used to working out.  I chose Tony Horton’s own 10-Minute Trainer series (http://www.beachbody.com/product/fitness_programs/best_sellers/10_minute_trainer.do)
to do for a few weeks before P90X. I bought this workout looking for something to do when I get too busy with life to spend an hour and a half working out everyday like P90X. And, to be honest, this is probably a better deal for someone who has a 9 to 5 job on top of a dancing habit, let alone a family.

My personal Trainer, Marty Klempner.
Anyone who is friends with Marty Klempner has probably seen him not wearing any pants.  So, you know he is a man who feels confined by the restrictions of modern society.  He was once a “nerdy” type who now is very buff, and got that way without P90X.  He loves physical fitness, and I’ve often taken his advice in matters of working out, such as lifting tips and body oil recommendations.  So, he is now the official personal trainer of this blog. When I mention his advice, know that it isn’t coming from P90X, but from someone who understands how scrawny guys work.

Muscle Vs. Shape.
Some people, especially women I have talked to, fear that workout like P90X would leave them a giant mass of muscle. As both Tony Horton and my personal trainer, Marty Klempner, will attest, it’s extremely hard to build muscle in that way. It’s simply not going to happen, especially with the feminine biology, even with an intense program such as this. That’s why professional body builders take horse testosterone. I personally will be going for a little muscle growth, but mainly toning my body and getting the most of the (incredible amounts of) muscle I already have.

The Before pictures
Before we get to what you came here for, i.e., beefcake shots of one Roberto DeWhite, I’m going to have to set the record straight here. Since I’m a moderately scrawny white guy, I don’t think I have the build that makes before and after shots so dramatic. So, I’ve taken a little journalistic liberty here and souped up the pictures a bit. I think you will agree that, like all good “before” pictures, they reflect the proper inner disparity and sadness. Also, I will include before and after pictures of my woman-calves. All of that will have to wait (Sorry, ladies) until the end of the experiment.

Now, since you can find stunning before/after P90X pictures anywhere by googleing, and since this is a swing-dance oriented blog, I’m going to attempt to see how my gain in muscle and cardiovascular strength will have affect in the swing dancing. So, I’ve added BEFORE AERIAL FOOTAGE, BEFORE SPINS (to test balance), and BEFORE SPEED DANCE DRILLS.

Now, to make this scientifically-shaky experiment as sound as possible, I will not “work” on the aerials or speed dancing technique (other than teaching and social dancing) before the 90 days are over. And, if all goes well, my body will be in great shape for bikini season.

So, let’s get started.

Cost so far:

P90X (includes DVDs, book, one tub of recovery formula, and exercise bands):    $200.

Chin-up bar that takes a physicist to put together, and that doesn’t work: (They didn’t mention that it was made for door frames built after 1909) $60

Chin-Up bar that does work: $20

GRAND TOTAL: Approx. $240

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Tags: exercise, Nick Williams, p90x, personal training, tony horton