Dear Casey: Appropriate attire for men and women at dance events
by Casey Schneider
Continuing with our introduction to Dear Casey (taken from WhiteHeat Dec 27th, 2007 and Mar 12th, 2008) For the uninitiated, Dear Casey is a satirical twist on the advice columns found in news media. Do take every word she says seriously, as your dancing and social life depend on it.
Dear Casey,
It is far too warm during event weekends at the Century Ballroom, and while the lovely ladies prance about in their flowing skirts and spaghetti-strap tops, we men in our buttoned up suits are forced to slowly stew in our own sweatiness. I was, in the muggy depths of August, nearly ready to (excuse the pun) throw in the towel on my machismo and begin scouring eBay for plus-sized, big-boned - if you will - vintage dresses, when I found out that the latest, and assuredly the least regrettable-to-date trend in Washingtonian men’s fashion, the Utilikilt, now comes in a dapper new tuxedo cut. It seems like this would be the ideal attire for a formal evening of jumping and/or jiving, as it would serve not only to keep my special purpose cool and dry but would at least marginally decrease any communal questioning of my sexuality that might have come with donning a skirt.
My only concern is that the young women in attendance might find this ‘dernier cri’ so staggeringly suave that I will be asked ONLY to blues dance, even to fast songs, and will serve as no more than an object of licentious covetousness - causing pettiness, jealousy, and deceit among men, women, and cakes. Is there any way that I can somehow moderate my aura of masculine magnetism, when wearing my kilt-made-to-look-like-tuxedo-pants, so that women will look past their amorous appetites and see me as more than just a choice dish of haggis?
Sincerely,
The Sweltering Scot
Bagpipes,
You might be asking the wrong person this question. (P.S. That Tuxedo utilikilt might be the funniest thing I’ve seen this week!) I am a staunch believer in never viewing a man’s bare skin in public. If I had my way, these would be the rules:
For general daily activities and social dancing: never show your legs, at all. Only allow your arms from the mid-bicep down to be visible.
That is, no shorts (or kilts), no tank tops.
For exercising, including dance practice: lower portion of the calf may be visible (i.e. man-pris are acceptable, although not preferred). Same rule applies above for the arms.
That is, tank tops on men, IMO, are really never OK. This is also true if you’re at the gym.
For the beach: shorts are allowed, but should be moderately long and baggy. T-shirts are still preferred over tank tops. Bare chest is allowed only if it’s pretty damn nice (~.5% of the male population) or if you are actually swimming.
I know this sounds harsh. My opinions are not really based on strong gender stereotypes wherein a man can’t wear a dress/skirt/kilt - as I certainly think women should be able to wear pants. My opinions are based on the fact that I don’t think the male body is all that attractive, and I’m not even gay. So I say, keep it covered! You’re all much more attractive that way - TRUST ME.
As for the temperature of the CB…I agree, August nights can be sweltering. I encourage every guy to bring multiple changes of shirt. I know this is troublesome and increases your laundry, but I would much prefer dancing with you as you go through multiple sweaty t-shirts than one REALLY sweaty tank top.
(My dictator-ly rules above can be applied to women. Under no circumstances should women where backless shirts when dancing.)
Lastly, whenever a tough question such as this arises, I turn to the true bastion of knowledge - Elaine from Seinfeld:
“The female body is a work of art. The male body is utilitarian. It’s for gettin’ around. It’s like a Jeep.”
Thanks for your question. I’ll be here tomorrow, same time, same place.
Casey
Dear Casey,
When are “f#ck me boots” appropriate for dancing, if at all? This is to settle a score.
Love,
Kelly
Dear Kelly,
F*(*#$k me boots are really appropriate depending on the ensemble. Or when you feel like being fucked. For some, this might be 100% of the time, for others 150% of the time. I’ll let you be the judge for yourself.
Sincerely,
Casey
Send your questions to casey@lindybloggers.com
